It’s Finally Happened

frustrated

I’ve hit the wall and don’t seem to care much really.  It’s that fact that bothers me more than knowing I’ve hit the wall.  I could care less about actually hitting the wall but I should at least care to the point of wanting to change it.  Let me give you a little background on myself.  I’m not going to share everything about me, obviously, because quite frankly it’s none of your business.  But I do need to get some things off my chest and it seems the 0nly place I can do that is here, which is pathetic no matter how you slice it.  Yeah it’s nice to be able to sit, think, and get my thoughts together before I put them down, but still, it would be nice to have people to actually physically talk to about it.  That fact is probably my fault too.

*lies down on the couch*

No need to get into my childhood, it was about as normal as they come I guess.  I had friends, liked to play in the dirt, and enjoyed annoying the crap out of my brother.  Normal stuff.  I never really had any “issues” until middle school and they were increased throughout high school.  I never once cared what I looked like or had any self esteem problems what so ever.  That changed a bit during high school.  I was picked on mercilessly, mostly on the bus on the way to and from school.  Pushed around, smacked on, insulted, had stuff thrown at, and just generally treated with intolerable disrespect.  My self esteem took a major drop then.  Major.  I became incredibly shy.  I thought I was ugly and someone nobody wanted to be around.  Some of that still lingers today.  Ok, a lot of it still lingers.  I had few friends and the ones I did were the other “un-cool” kids.

Not much has changed since then really.  About 10 years ago, give or take a few, I started going to church on a voluntary basis but didn’t get involved a whole lot because I was still holding on to the idea that nobody cares or likes me so why get involved?   My mindset was this: If I’m going to be picked last for dodge ball, why even play?  There were guys there I thought would be cool to hang with, but never tried to make friends out of fear of being laughed at.  There were a few girls there that I thought would be great to get know, but again I was way too shy and afraid of rejection to approach them.  Previous experiences with approaching girls didn’t help matters.  I’m the goofy looking kid who’s quiet most of the time and when he does talk he tries to be funny but isn’t.  I did have a few friends for a short time.  They seemed to fade.  Even present day there are only two or three of the ones I remember still around.  I’d try to get in touch with them but how?  I just have too much doubt.  It’s been so long they won’t remember me except my name or think I’m pathetic trying to start something from nothing.

The past few years, my personality has changed a little bit.  I don’t know if that has anything to do with social networks like Twitter, Facebook, or MySpace, but it may.  I’ve gotten to know a handful of what I consider “real” friends.  Even met a few face to face.  I actually went to Las Vegas by myself one October which was completely nerve racking and totally outside my comfort zone.  I had fun, it was great.  Drove to Tennessee by myself which was a big thing too.  This year, I would have made it to Colorado for a road trip but the economy ruined that.  I’ll get to that later.  I found a new passion over the last year.  Politics.  Naturally it’s a very divisive topic as was my first passion.  Creation.  So as you can imagine, I’ve had some pretty heated debates with various people.  That’s helped my shyness to a degree.  I can talk to just about anyone, but, and I know this sounds pathetic, women still make me nervous.  I still have low enough self esteem to feel I’m just not attractive or have qualities they like.  It doesn’t help that I’m 27, unemployed, and “living in mommies basement.”  I just feel pathetic.  I watch the news or just anything on TV and hear stuff like “oh he blogs from his moms basement, get a life!”  I’m like, that’s  me.  I mean, here I am, writing a blog.  And I live with my parents, in their basement.  I don’t really “feel” like a loser but…

On the spiritual side, there was a very short part of my life where I met some very unsavory beverages which pointed me in the direction of self.  And the direction of self is always the very opposite of the direction of God.  I love God, I honestly do.  I know He has my back and there is nothing in this world that would ever make me change how I feel about Him.  I haven’t always given Him my all like I should and that little part of my life, however short it was, was still enough for me to feel like a failure in my spiritual life too.  I used to be in the Word almost every day.  Pray every day, go to church every week, study scripture, study creation, blog and share thoughts, and even possibly had a desire to teach.  Now I feel like it’s gone.  I haven’t studied scripture in quite a while, nothing on creation in a while, haven’t been to church in darn near a year, haven’t really blogged anything on my beliefs, and don’t pray anywhere near as often as I should.  I’m sorry but that is not the mark of a Christian.  Now I know I haven’t “lost” my salvation or any of that but it’s so very true that I’ve backslid.  I know what I need to do and the good thing is, I want to do what I need to do.  I know the Truth.  I know it.  And even though I hear stuff I know is not true from those around me, I still haven’t rejected Truth.  I never will.  The things I have to do will almost certainly cause me to lose the closeness I have with some family members, but in all honesty, the closeness I should have with God should come first.  If they can’t accept that then it’s time to move on.  One of my favorite movies is “The Kingdom of Heaven.”  In it, the king of Jerusalem tells Balian this:

A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say “but I was told by others to do thus” or that “virtue was not convenient at the time.”  This will not suffice. Remember that.

It doesn’t matter what people may tell you or how people my criticize you.  If you succumb to it and reject truth because of it, you will be held accountable for rejecting Gods Truth.  Do not be the one to deny Christ before sunrise.  Don’t do it for the sake of friendships, relationships, or anything else.  This I know and I will not sway.  I guess I could say that my faith as been the only firm ground in my life.  Besides my family, my family has always been here.  But my faith has be even stronger than that for me.  It’s really the only thing that has kept me from completely giving up.  I thank God for that.  Love of my family and love of my God.

I lived with my cousin for a while but now I’m back home.  I guess that’s a blessing in disguise, if I was out on my own I would have lost it anyway like so many others have because this past February I got laid off from work.  At first it didn’t bother me, I usually didn’t have a problem finding work.  Last time I lost a job it was 2 or 3 weeks and I was back to working again.  Well, it’s August now, and I’m still out of work.  I’ve almost exhausted all my unemployment weekly benefits and the job market is still terrible.  I search for jobs but since I have nobody to hang out with and no date or even prospects, the majority of the time I sit at home watching movies, playing games, or blogging.  It’s driving me crazy.  I’ve put on some weight which is even more detrimental to my already moderately low self esteem.

So here I am, August 18th at 4:30am, blogging about how pathetic my life is going.  I’ve hit the wall.  It’s finally happened.  I want to change things but quite frankly, if I’m going to be picked last for dodge ball, why even play?  Right?  I don’t need pity and I don’t want it.  I just want people around me I can talk to and share these things with.  People that can motivate me and inspire me.  People to encourage me in positive ways.  I want to be accepted and not ridiculed.  Accepted for who I am though, I’m not changing who I am or acting a certain way to “fit in.” I have so much to offer people.  Both in regular friendships and romantically.  I am so much more than the 27 year old living with his parents.  I want people to know that.  I’m passionate.  I’m understanding.  I’m caring.  I’m loving.  I’m dependable.  I’m sympathetic. I can be humorous but I can be serious.  I’m intellectual.  I’m spiritual.  I’m fun.  I’m someone to laugh with and a shoulder to cry on.  I’m forgiving.  I’m supportive and encouraging.  I’m strong enough to defend my beliefs and weak enough to kneel before the God I love.  I’m hard working.  I don’t give up.  I’m truthful.  I’m honest.  I’m a good communicator and a good listener.  Again, I’m passionate.  Passionate about all of the above.  Despite everything I’ve mentioned it’s those other few traits that seem to have a death hold on who I really am.  I’m shy.  I have low self esteem.  I’m lonely.  I’m unmotivated.  I am truly thankful for my family and for my God.  But it’s not quite the same.  I need friends.  And I need a partner.  In Genesis 2:18 it’s written that God said “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”  And in Genesis 2:22 Adam was given Eve.

My life is still Genesis 2:18.

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2 responses to “It’s Finally Happened

  1. Kevin
    When our life stories are written, they only amount to the decisions we make and how we react and learn from the consequences of those choices. From my experience, our lives only really begin when we set a course and unflinchingly commit without showing fear or indecision about where that course may lead. After reading your blog, I would hope you would commit yourself to writing and sharing your unique perspective. There are so many of us out here that have the same passions and views, but can’t express them as intelligently, focused, and often as humorous as you. Keep up the great work, I’m sure one day you will be noticed.

    “I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
    –Henry David Thoreau

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